Thursday, 5 November 2015

Memories of a Scapegoat Pt1 The Problem Child

I have set this blog up because I now know I am an adult child of two Narcissistic parents and the scapegoat of the entire family. I am writing under a pseudonym as my family have been threatened me and my family time and time again and the threats and stalking really kicked in once we decided to go no contact.

I tried to help my family see the error of their ways and tried to help them stop the suffering and abuse trickling down into the next generation of children hoping we could heal what was wrong and be a real close family not the image of a close family however now I have done a lot of research I know it is mostly futile.

The thing that really breaks my heart is the fact my brothers children are getting the same abuse of him that I did and his oldest daughter is also being bullied by our sister now she is developing into a beautiful young woman. My sister was always the pretty one and as she gets older she finds it very hard to take the fresh competition. We cannot protect her or any of the other children as they have been banned from seeing us and to know what they are going through, to have them come to us for help because they are scared of their dad and feel hated by the rest of the family breaks our hearts.

I know the stories they tell me are true despite my family making out that all the children are liars with wild imaginations, I see the sadness in their eyes the nervous ticks and all the things they have said happened to them was exactly what happened to me and it breaks my heart that I cannot help them. I pray every day that my family will see the light and get help before it is too late before too much more damage is done.

I have always been the scapegoat of the family and now I have spoken up about the abuse I received as a child they started targeting my wife and child who are now trying to come to terms with the abuse they have been subjected to. In my last phone call to my sister I wished her best but made it clear there would be no contact whatsoever she of course did not take responsibility for the things she did to me when I was a child she did say I had been a problem child since the day I was born and I deserved what I got. Her response to me going no contact was to phone NSPCC and report me and my wife for child neglect as well as a whole host of other things that were completely made up, some of the stuff they said actually contradicted the other lies they had told NSPCC, because we have nothing to hide we welcomed the police and social services into our home who knew as soon as they saw our child and home that the call was made maliciously.

It took me a long time to heal from the psychological and physical wounds they inflicted on me and I now suffer PTSD, borderline personality disorder (which has been greatly improved by CBT) as well as rapid cyclothalmia and this of course has been used against me time and time again, they could literally slap my face and say I didn’t do that ! you’re just paranoid it’s your condition making you think these things.

Then they would tell me I need help. When I don’t back down they tell me I must have done something to deserve it. I am writing this blog as part therapy and partly to help anyone out there who may be the victim of narcissistic abuse within their own family. I want you to know you are not alone you are not crazy or oversensitive and it is not your fault. Over time I am going to share my stories with you and share links to other blogs and websites written by fellow survivors and experts. No one should ever have to go through this type of abuse and together we can bring to light narcissism and all its effects, to help sufferers of this type of abuse and to help people understand more about the insidious practices that often happen behind the respectable façade of the narcissistic family.

I will warn you again there may be triggers in these stories so please proceed with caution.

One of my earliest memories was when I was in the kitchen with Mother and my Grandmother was sitting in the dining room. Mother was in one of her funny moods and made sure she had her back to her mother. She was telling me off for something I can’t remember now but I do remember feeling sad and frustrated because I didn’t know why whatever I had done was so wrong and why Mother looked so angry with me. I was two at the time, I know this because my mother has told the abridged version to my wife many times.

I had in frustration thrown a tea towel to the floor which really set up off mothers rage, she got right up close in my face her eyes flashing with that terrible look I would soon grow to dread and hissed
Pick it up now , through her teeth .Her tone of voice sent fear rushing though me but I still refused to pick the tea towel up until in anger she grabbed my hand hard pulled me to the floor and forcibly  bent my little fingers around the tea towel and made me to pick it up, It hurt like crazy I could feel the bones cracking painfully with the forced movement and I went hysterical with tears.  She gave me a smug satisfied look and said I told you I would make you pick it up. Because I wouldn’t stop crying she grabbed me by my clothes smacked my bum hard continually and snarled, I will give you something to make a song and dance about if you keep this up.

Grandma looked on shocked and Mother always told me Grandma was shocked and disappointed with me because of my stubbornness not her actions I deserved what I got, I have heard this story many times mother always made it into a joke saying I danced the conga because she made me pick up the tea towel but we both know what happened that day and crushing my hand was her favourite method of getting me to shut up or do something I didn’t want to especially if we were in public.  She would often kick me under the table if I said or did something she didn’t like (and that could be literally anything I said or did) then she would give me this really angry intense stare, If she could do it without being heard she would whisper in this harsh tone of voice, Just wait until you get home and I would feel my heart beating out my chest because I knew I would be in for it and she always kept her word and she would always follow up the slaps and punches with I told you I would get you.

I had an Aunty who was good friends with my Mother and even though Mother did her best to abuse me covertly her mask would sometimes slip in front of her and looking back I can see the shocked and uncomfortable look in her eyes. This Aunty would always treat me wonderfully, have a kind word or a hug for me, she would buy me He-Man figures and take me out for the day, these acts of kindness kept me going through my darkest days but what she didn’t do ,what no one ever did was stick up for me or dare say anything when I was being abused they simply looked away and pretended to have seen nothing. Those who did say something were sharp cast out of the family and then would have their reputations destroyed as my family made up anything they could to justify cutting out anyone who dared speak against them. 

Thank you for reading and if you would like to hear more about narcissism and how to survive the effects of bullying and abuse please follow my blog and remember you are not alone. 

Much love The Scapegoat

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