Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Memories of a Scapegoat: Lost Part Two

It wasn't surprising I grew up with a real fear of abandonment, getting lost on holiday was a common theme growing up and it was always after I had done something tip is one of them off, one of the worst times I remember was when I was really little not much more than a toddler, We were all staying in Spain and I remember one minute I was watching the telly with everyone in the room and I must have fallen asleep because I woke up and the telly was off as were all the lights and the room was pitch black.  

I was terrified and stumbled about looking for a light shouting out to see if anyone could here me, I searched the bathroom and shouted their names again and again and when I couldn’t find them I got panicky and very scared. I managed to let myself out into the hotel corridor and  by this time I was hysterical with fear and kept shouting for my parents I  thought I was lost and would never see them or home again , I thought they had left me all alone and I got really hysterical by this time. There was a janitor who saw me running around frantically searching for my family. He tried to calm me down and he was trying to get sense out of me but I was so young I couldn’t really communicate that well verbally . I tried to explain I was lost and couldn’t find my parents as best I could through my tears and eventually my grandma came out of the room next door to ours and explained to the janitor she had been left in charge of me. 

She was looking after a small child in a  foreign country who was totally unaware his family had gone out and she chose to stay in the room next door to ours leaving me on my own.
 I should mention that Grandma was very hard of hearing and so should anything have gone wrong or happened to me she wouldn’t have been able to hear it.  

I developed a very acute fear of abandonment when I was young and my parents went above using that to threaten me when I was older and had started fighting back against the physical abuse my parents would tell me if I dared hit them back the  whole family would alienate me and I would have to find somewhere else to live, I am not sure what was worse the threat of abandonment, the abuse or being stuck with them.

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